Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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