Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
