Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
