she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
