rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
