you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
