I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
