somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Randomize
