Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
