two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
