I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
