The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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