xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
