thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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