I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize