The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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