I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
