did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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