I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
