I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
