Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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