Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
