I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
