Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
