so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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