I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
