last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
