I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
