I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
