I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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