i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
