Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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