what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
