Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
