Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I need a burrito and a hug.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
