she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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