Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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