Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
