I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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