i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
