Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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