peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wish I only lived at night.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
