so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
we're so committed to being not committed
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
