Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
