I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
