Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
