I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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