Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
