Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
