So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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