Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
