I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
