when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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