I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
