there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
