My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
whose ass print is on the piano?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have fence marks all over my body
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
