I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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