I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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