I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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