I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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