Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
