Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
