By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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