I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
